PLAY THE PIANO DRUNK LIKE A PERCUSSION INSTRUMENT UNTIL

computer, read some Stephenson, and and deflated, very alarmed about the deflation read some Stephenson, read some Stephenson, and wired in state. I turned on my computer, read although I did want was as wide as my penis was deflated, like an inner tube. I did as my hand and deflated, to the net. at eleven oclock. I did not feel I dreamt that my penis was Today I awoke at dreamt that not feel very at eleven oclock. I ate penis was as wide as my hand penis was as computer, read some Stephenson, inner tube. I my penis was as wide as my

finished blood music. grey goo always freaks me out, it's both my concept of pure heaven and hell, sharing a simultaneous existence.
painted film for hours. My grand moment was when ed came into my studio, looked at one of my reels and said "holy shit!"
Classes were normal. Chatted with Mario Bick for a long time after anthro, we got onto a tangent about methods of weaning babies off of their mother's milk by enticing them with something sweet or putting mustard on the mother's nipple. I think that I pissed off the people lined up to see him in the hall.
Teamed up with kelly to attack the new henderson printers. it was good to talk with her. I haven't seen many of my friends recently as much as i'd like to.
Saw emma briefly. Said she was going to hudson for the evening. okay.
ate dinner with sam, ate two heaping plates of seitan. sam says that I'm not suffering from protein deficiency, I got a stomach ache but then farted at him, taking revenge. He seems fine.
Painted in the studio. mark says that the monster movie might not go through, makes me a little sad. I was hoping to be a monstermoviestar. his game turned out well. i hope he rescues his remote control plane. (he really needs to learn to fly that thing)
chatted with ed. enabled him to get a pizza delivery. he said that he once got a sandwich from down the road and was sick afterward. this did not suprise me.
apparently Anne McGuire's newest film is "Poseidon Adventure The"
I enjoyed her take on the andromeda strain.
paint on film paint on film paint on film
dad said my harddrive is going to be okay, according to the tech guys. hooray!

happy
two flea ridden cats climbed my shoulders but i don't really care
i'm happy

the apple of my eye (amongst the enormous orchard) cannot be plucked because it is not a tree meant for picking
removal of the apple would cause undue stress onto the tree's limbs, liberation of the fruit (whose flavor may be sour, texture mealy, core rotten) jerking the branch upward and sending the tree's leaves fruits and comforts off and fluttering to the ground around me.
it is this thought alone that depresses me, despite the productive week, the excellent meetings with my professors (in addition to les and marie, peggy and ed were also alot of fun. I am now doing two senior projects and an essay involving macrophilia)
The film department has some really incredible and amiable people working as professors. or maybe i'm just gaga because they're alot of fun and very supportive.
either or.
i'm trying to avoid thinking about my required readings. I've got to finish the final draft of the script for wednesday. in addition, i've got to finish my storyboards, props list, location information, character charts/casting sides, and production design.
I've settled on using the 'Mother' sequence for class and will continue editing the 'El' section, as for the second project: I must paint film twice a day [minimum], bleach and scratch once a day, and buy some more india ink because I'm running low. Higgins too.
I'll continue editing the 'Mother' footage though i'm curious about how i'll structure the haircutting sequence and whether or not i'll keep the sun footage. Les said that overreliance on tropes and symbols such as the sun do not allow for freedom[my wording] and although I agree with him, I also am limited in the editing strategies that are available to me that align with the space I intend to take the viewer to.
Peggy said that although I have great ideas, I also tend to have a systematic view of the world and therefore find relationships between everything, making editing a nightmare. I agree with her too.
I spoke with Henry on the phone, as well as his editing team (jeremy, patrick) and was pleased to hear their voices. Henry asked me to make an intern training video, 5 minutes in length. I said I'd be delighted to. That's another task.
Hopefully I'll be Suzie-On-Top-Of-It this weekend while managing to have a pleasant interaction with my precious cohorts so I'll maintain some semblance of sanity and distract myself from the apples and horn of plenty.
Oh! And optical printing! I need to do some optical printing SOON.

henry facebook messages me about the job, turns out the company's got a facebook page which fills me with terror and disappointment that they'd even have one, paranoid that they're keeping check on me
a digital camera is held by sally taking pictures of a small cramped space but it's lighted well

bryan comes to stay at my house beaumama stays at my house
we grow st bea's bread and it's blue leaves and put them in the stove to fill the house with smoke with bread smoke
bryan sleeps late
rachel comes with me to a mueseum/funhouse where you can play soccer and we have fun playing soccer it's making us giddy
there is a fake species posted up with no noses or ears sometimes no eyes
somewhere between cuddly and creepy
blue green purple skin
they dress like pilgrims
in dioramas and we cling together and to the big fuzzy creatures (though not hairy) on display
we play another game of hide and go seek
and we do not talk after the exhibit is over. i want to reserve tickets for the next day but i'm told that i'll be an old man when we can go again. my parents take us home.

dream: silver curtains, blue headed people with long faces tuck me in and stroke my cheek, telling me news from afar.

nondream(probably): after class and workout, i shot some footage with sam and pauline. we went to kingston and bought alcohol. i drove them to pavel's where he gave them a house tour. i drove them back. they had dinner together. i ate cereal and ice cream in my room. it was cold and sweet. or sweet but cold.
i did some reading for class, wrote a little. waited for an email that would not come, bearing a message it could not bear. i drank with sam and pauline, went to gahagan, drank with ashleigh and kelly. we went with pavel to the day of the dead dance. i danced, entered the strobe. the strobelight was comforting because the dancing forms that entangled themselves around me became less human, less real, reminding me of the intervals between each moment, destroying the universe and rebuilding it from one flash of light to another. left the party with ashleigh, kelly, and rachel. there are details missing, but i'm too tired to care. i watched ashleigh sleep at one point.
i remembered watching people sleep. i never sleep when someone's watching. not usually. there was a time.
someone told me that it feels creepy at first but then somewhat comforting that someone will watch over oneself during sleep. i felt good about it at the time.
mournful but putting the energy into my project. thinking about the project is better than thinking about other things, though i envy the quality of my fellow students. my work is so blatantly transparent, so flat and two dimensional. lately.
at least i can still tell a decent lie or two.
but no one will love a liar, as long as they're aware of it. no one trusts a confessed liar. especially if no lies have been told. i'm rambling now.
i'm going to sleep before it gets worse.
i'm not sure if i'm happy or sad.

josh needs to get off his ass.
i need to walk over to the film building to pick up my books. but reading the news is so much more time consuming.
i saw my parents today. we had lunch at the senior luncheon. i sat at a table with people i haven't seen since firstyearseminar. it was somewhat intimidating. i shot with my mother. i shot my mother. i shot my father and he shot the two of us though he only used a still camera while i set my camera on a monopod. my mother shot me.

i don't know if it's going to turn out to be any good.
i'm now trying to locate a good belly model for my senior project. i bought some washable paint for it.
i need to make inqueries.
BORIS is performing at the old gym but i was too late to get in line for the 120 max capacity show.
ah diddums.
i'm going to go to the film building, maybe visit gahagan. study.
boring saturday night makes me sad not because i seek to destroy my brain and body as rapidly as possible but because it's depressing to spend four hours in one's room reading the newspapers from the 1800s.
also, I officially hate my requirement classes.
i'm enjoying the proust, the readings aren't bad. but it gets in the way of what i know i have to do.
at least my midterms are over and my meetings with les and marie went suprisingly well. I keep panicking and they keep telling me that i'm doing well. one can only conclude that i have an inability for self evaluation and a propensity for self criticism.
ah diddums. more scripting and reading tonight i predict. i predict more scripting and reading tonight.
this was an uninspired blog entry.

dream: i watch myself wheeled in stiff as if made of plastic and surgeons pop me open like a mattel toy, they remove colored blocks which apparently function as my internal organs. my teeth are extracted but that is normal and fleshy/boney. someone loses a pair of keys in the bushes. overcast weather.

i did a great deal of screenwriting that might be decent during the day but it's now seven seventeen and my essays are squealing at me.
uh oh.
I also am out of coke zero. uh oh.
watching things to come and analyzing the presence of women in early twentieth century sci fi, or sci fi as a sausage party. women tend to be either children or furniture. it's all very greek, the men packed into ships with other men this union becoming 'superior' to relations with women. is it because women are inferior, part of the untamed/savage world? or one could compare space exploration with the children's literature of the nineteenth century, pioneering adventures being the choice of boys: boys were assumed to be natural explorers while girls were trained to function within a controlled enviroment ie the household.(was it mcluhan who said this? i can't recall)
90s tv in weis was fun. i wrote for the majority of it though. i'm concerned about my decision to work without consulting my advisors this week, the direction i'm writing may not serve my entire purpose or rather the matrix i am constructing is more associated by tropes taking on various functions rather than an overarching morale or text...
I wish I had more time to research the Winnicott writings while writing this, it'd make the childhood/motherhood sequences much easier to tie to the machismo misogyny analysis. and this was after les and marie said to make things a little less dense.
It is less, I removed alot of material but now it's a little frail and naked, without the information overload that gives it the obsessive edge I'd like it to have.
ah diddums. Maybe I'll buy a 12 pack of diet soda and write my sf paper tonight, save all the anthro stuff for tomorrow...
I've got storyboards to finish as well... can't leave that to the last minute either.
I'd like to edit some stuff together for some professors to look at. Other students seem to be meeting with the staff more often than myself right now and I know that it's easier for the professors to critique something in watchable form than to read a thirty three page script (currently thirty three though IT HAS TO CHANGE)
hm.

i saw a ten year old boy taking a walk with his younger sister. She was drinking a box of orange juice while he toted and chugged a RED BULL.
Ten years old. Red Bull.
I hope he doesn't take adderall.

AFTER BEAUMAMA'S B-DAY CELEBRATION LAST NIGHT I WAS FEELING SOMEWHAT GROGGY AND SICK DUE TO THE GIGORMOUS QUANTITIES OF EXTREMELY OILY FOOD AND THEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT WE WERE HAVING A BAGEL BREAKFAST PSYCHOSIS
AFTER MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM STOPPED STRUGGLING, WE WENT INTO THE CITY AND SAW HOU HSAO-HSIEN'S "FLIGHT OF THE RED BALLOON"
AND IT WAS VERY NICE THOUGH I'M NOT SURE HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL CATCH THE GLORIOUS REVOLUTION/CULTURAL APPROPRIATION REFERENCES. BEAUMAMA SURE DIDN'T.
THEN IN THE EVENING I MET UP WITH PAVEL AND WE WENT TO THE AVANTGARDE SERIES AT THE WALTER READE THEATRE. I SAW PEGGY, PETER, JOHN, JACKIE. I SAID HI TO P&J, SPOKE BRIEFLY TO PEGGY, DID NOT SPEAK WITH JACKIE. BARD ALUMNI ROSE WAS ALSO THERE. (...)
I SAID TO PAVEL
"I THINK WE'RE DEAD AND WE'RE MEETING ALL THE PEOPLE WE KNEW IN OUR FORMER LIVES"
THE FILMS PLAYED. PEGGY'S PIECE ROCKED MY SOCKS, AS DID ROBERT BREER'S EYEWASH, GIRARDRET'S COLLABORATION WITH MULLER "HIDE" BECAUSE 'IT REMINDS ME OF MY MOTHER'.
hooha

went to sam's round 8 or so after i'd finished my share of reading/writing/editing for the day (eight or nine hours worth) and we chatted about the situation of china, the dams, the olympics, the uncertainty of the future. i left and picked up the whiskey i'd bought for the party and drove to pavel's. He'd hadn't planned on buying a cake so i said "let's buy a cake" to which he agreed and we went to hannaford's. Hannaford's was mostly deserted but the cakes were numerous and varied in both variety and price. Pavel favoured the Red Velvet (4 grams transfat) but i said that the Boston Creme looked better (2.5 grams transfat). We ended up compromising on the Snickers Cake (unknown transfat content) and we bought some soda, icing, candles.
back at pavel's we iced the Happy B-Day on the cake for Linda (it was a suprise party) and waited around watching 'Hannibal' on television and relating various annecdotes. Time passed. No one showed. We got grouchy and I ate a pickle, two pickles. Pavel ate leftovers his mother had left him. Linda arrived and then Holly and Parish and Parish's girlfriend (name unknown) came and we lit up the cake sang happy birthday and it was good. We drank Svedka and coke and coke zero, some smoked, some smoked tobacco, and we managed to get the cork out of the neck of the bottle of white wine (13%, the highest the store had. Holly showed everyone her shell casing from an israeli bullet and Parish said that he had a low tolerance for alcohol. I looked at Parish's list. What a list!
We then went to the party at bard, met up with Ashleigh, Kelly, Rachel. Ashleigh thought i was dangerously drunk but I don't think i was, despite my erratic dancing which i can only describe as a vivid full body seizure/massagebymusic. I just spasm to music, i like it.
The party let out and everyone went home. Pavel told me that the couch i'd lounged on was unclean. I feel slightly dirty but i can do my laundry tomorrow.
(today)
Thank god i'm not going to vomit. The cake was very tasty for all it's questionable substances. I feel very eastern european with the vodka in my system. I drank a bottle of water and refilled it for in the middle of the night. we'll see how i feel tomorrow but i have a great deal of reading to do and writing and eiditngediting.
ah diddums.

i reesolved to be stoic and not make a big deal nor get over emotional sentimental or psychotic and did my job as humbly as i could letting little jokes slip through
and when jeremy m brought it up i said i was repressing all emotion and he got the message
amy and sally knew and i think christine did too
it was a quiet day
we sorted out the equipment closet and i finally packed up the performance tapes for catrine and the data dvd for elia, shipped it to them in france
came upstairs
suprise! cake. i thought they might not do it
(they'd let me select creepy mockmeat specialist Wild Ginger for lunch)
and coffee and amy with a carton of milk (organic) almost as big as her grin. Sally had coffee. i took it black and drank three cups. we put on deerhoof's Apple O. I was grinning. We ate chocolaterasberry mousse cake from cecicela on spring street. we chatted about various things that i cannot report here but juicy and intriguing to me nonetheless. i like to ask questions and listen. it was very sweet and sappy. i got a little corny and said that i was going to miss them and enjoyed working with them. i think it'd have been more funny to say that i hated them. but i really will miss working for them. i'll have to write.
i already had a satisfying sendoff from ceilia and henry and patrick and jeremy a. didn't get to really talk with jeremy m (sister's having a baby!) and dinah and xan (meeting). ah diddums. oh well what the hell.
spoke to u. on the phone. was suprised how unanxious and sympathetic i felt.
spoke to eric. might speak to him later. Dad continues to promote the union of K. and myself. i'm not sure what to make of it. Packing for school.
ate a shitload of cake and coffee and bicycling on the stationary as i type. SUGAR RUSH and Caffeine. I'm a speed freak i guess.
Packing for school. I'm not nervous about the upcoming year but people seem to feel better if i pretend to be nervous.

i've pirated so much free movie. moooooby.
not to be read as "moh bii"
soon to be back at Bard, my internship almost over.
trying to avoid feelings of sentiment. be strong. be a man. grow hair follicles.
normal workday sans THE BOSS and CECI. (names have been altered to protect the namebearers)
Debussy all day long. thank god for alcohol.
Restocking resupplying. Sweeping humbles me.
Another paycheck. Money helps.
Jeremy said money hurts. I agree with that.
Don't tip the waiter at Lure.
Caffeine sugar caffeine. Result: A mildly pregnant skeleton.
Eat the document. Fun!

movie. a monster. an entity. black all consuming. starts as a tiny little container bullet shaped with metal and glass. it falls from the sky and crashes into a car. it spreads like black liquid, ink in water. mouth like the shark from finding nemo. tentacles. suction cups. it comes at you from all sides. you enter and elevator and it leaks in then the mouth comes. tears open the walls with its tentacles. eats you.
made for children! i get a key from someone shorter than me. pipsqueak.

the brooklyngirl asks me if i've experimented with s and m or at least seen a michel gondry film. she says she has more details on craigslist. i'm excited. marc's children plot in the the dark when the lights go ouut. tghey build rubegoldberg machines with string. frogs. click the robots and weapons before you fight the government.

robopp y marries a jew wedding party

linear time denied with the form used to deny linear space.
i love borges. I love his blindness, his nostalgia, his odd life. (mostly wrote fragments and short fifteen page or so stories, he hadn't had the patience to dedicate himself to a novel)
and here i am, wasting time away with a shabby blog. not even real publication.
i could be writing, dedicating time to submitting work to periodicals, literary magazines, publishers. but.
i'm working. up at 6, home by 11 or so. asleep by then usually. i am a slave in between.
perhaps slavery is too harsh. It is more for the experience, and in order to learn one must humble themselves to guarantee their brains a welcoming receptacle. The ideal state for learning is to declare ignorance and welcome any suggestion, any task, any role to get to it.
The unfortunate side effect is that I've barely had time to edit as much as i'd like, barely time to write. except for sloppy scattered blogging. which is a waste of time.
how much i enjoy chewing gum.
i'm getting antsy in this household. as much as i enjoy the company of my parents, i do miss the variety of humanity that i can experience on my own terms as well as the comfort of my own company. It's all balancing.
There were sections. Masses of life that remind one of beehives and city blocks. long and ominous. celia in a flowery dress and pointing outward. onto the water. over the boat's railing.
there is no time.

dull dull day. the new young in's been pullin' hard
takin' the ease off my shoulders renderin' me less impressive 'pon the
leaders the payers the employers
don't have that amphetamine sparkle in my eyes that kick in the boots
not appearing as impressive to the office ladies
(i wonder if my idea of heaven is to work in an office filled with women who order me around)
(it's strangely soothing to grunt and lift cardboard boxes, listen to gossip, smile and say "what can i do for you?", copy this stack asap!)
and to the male employers as well.
missed an opportunity. the lack of zest made a poorer impression on someone i'm trying to impress.
i'm worried that i'm losing sight of my goal.(a possible career)
went home and played "tennis" with my mother. she seems to enjoy the wii. dad went to sleep. mother hit me with the controller by accident.
checked my email. nothing. i might have work tomorrow. i might see steph tomorrow. i might (but probably won't) go to a bbq/reunion tomorrow. sorry helen.
i'd always dreamed of a bed and breakfast vacation. at least it happened albeit minus me.
i seem to keep running into midwesterners. and whoops! there's another one.
potweetweet for lack of a better thing to say. dresden might be a melodramatic motif so i shall pretend that it never typed it. typed what?
better to pretend that nothing happened, nothing's wrong, everything's fine and dandy.
i saw the headshrinker, told him that although I have the ability to be funny and charming, it's only me playing at being funny and charming. I'm really not. But isn't that what being funny and charming is? and all personality traits/behaviours? Playing at it. pretending.
pretend it didn't happen.

a room. empty. an opening.
millions of butterflies swarm in. butterflies on butterfliesonbutterfliesonbutterflies. clicking and crawling, fluttering. moths too. covering everything. it looks like a mass of moving scales. they cover the walls floor and ceiling. they cover me. they pry open my mouth and eyes. they move inside.